Oliver Brett

Oliver Brett

Preparation Time

9 Months

Cooking Time

23 Years(ish)


  • x1 Upbringing in Southern England
  • x1 Bachelors Degree- history if available
  • x4 Bicycles (can substitute x1 if stolen)
  • x4 Computers (best if homemade)
  • x4 Mobile Phones (to be cracked)
  • Maple Syrup (as much as you can find)


  1. Birth in England, instil a love for tea and marmite at an early age. Allow for false hope in the national football team to come to the boil every 4 years.
  2. Educate using local schools, sift through boring subjects like maths and chemistry in favour of fun ones like English and history.
  3. Trim hair once every 4 months to ensure it gets scruffy enough to appear like he ‘doesn’t care’.
  4. Camp frequently to enable philosophical fire-side debates, though account for subsequent existential crises.
  5. Bring to university just before he’s done learning how to cook and look after himself. Prevent vomiting from excessive cider consumption wherever possible.
  6. Once a 2.1 is achieved, allow to stand for a few weeks before dipping into nearest creative role available within 15 minutes’ commute.
  7. Travel frequently to ensure interest levels in fancy historical sites and landscapes are kept high. This should ensure a smooth distribution of pointless trivia around diner tables and at train stations.
  8. Your Oliver should now be ready, keep topped up with iced tea and Tunnock’s tea cakes to ensure sweetness of disposition.