- x1 Upbringing in Southern England
- x1 Bachelors Degree- history if available
- x4 Bicycles (can substitute x1 if stolen)
- x4 Computers (best if homemade)
- x4 Mobile Phones (to be cracked)
- Maple Syrup (as much as you can find)
- Birth in England, instil a love for tea and marmite at an early age. Allow for false hope in the national football team to come to the boil every 4 years.
- Educate using local schools, sift through boring subjects like maths and chemistry in favour of fun ones like English and history.
- Trim hair once every 4 months to ensure it gets scruffy enough to appear like he ‘doesn’t care’.
- Camp frequently to enable philosophical fire-side debates, though account for subsequent existential crises.
- Bring to university just before he’s done learning how to cook and look after himself. Prevent vomiting from excessive cider consumption wherever possible.
- Once a 2.1 is achieved, allow to stand for a few weeks before dipping into nearest creative role available within 15 minutes’ commute.
- Travel frequently to ensure interest levels in fancy historical sites and landscapes are kept high. This should ensure a smooth distribution of pointless trivia around diner tables and at train stations.
- Your Oliver should now be ready, keep topped up with iced tea and Tunnock’s tea cakes to ensure sweetness of disposition.